Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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