I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
