so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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