the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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