I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
