We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
