Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Randomize
