Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I want to be your penis for a week.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
