i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I just found a bag of teeth...
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
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