Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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