Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
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