this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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