my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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