I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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