Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
