this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
