I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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