ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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