This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
All I want is dick and wine.
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