Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
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