if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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