some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
