the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
