I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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