I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
