I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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