he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
She bit a glass in half.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
