If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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