I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
