Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
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