Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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