So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
