I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
