After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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