WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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