Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Randomize
