hi brent please bring bad word music cd must most bad word please brent bring cd music bad word please brent bring cd music bad word
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
