So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
