finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
