Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
