I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
