Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
