i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
