While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
vagina is talking i cant
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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