I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
