'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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