Jerry, you need to find god
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
