God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
