Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I think your dad took our porno
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
