I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
